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In the interest of full disclosure, I write the following previews and scathing sarcasm while also committing myself to 90 minutes of Alien vs. Predator: Requiem. This means you can either interpret my anticipated slagging of half-assed movie productions as hypocritical, or as coming from someone willing to spend time on this direct-to-DVD classic but not willing to give Zohan the time of day. I’ll let you decide.

The first weekend in June just finished with Jack Black beating Adam Sandler in equally cartoonish creations. The reviews and kid-friendly material no doubt helped the movie gain the lead. Opting for some family-to-be responsibilities I had to miss Kung Fu Panda on Saturday, but the critical acclaim seems to be favouring it. The premise looks a little simple, but the directors have done their homework. It has always seemed to me that the most enjoyable movies are made by movie geeks: Steven Spielberg, James Cameron, Peter Jackson, Sam Raimi and Guillermo Del Toro being some of my favourites.

The directors for Kung Fu Panda clearly define themselves in that class, by simply mentioning in an interview that the best experience making the movie was meeting Sammo Hung and Jackie Chan - and especially the seal of approval they received from Jackie seemed to be better than any $60 million opening weekend.

Sharing the same weekend, Don’t Mess With The Zohan is Adam Sandler’s latest in a series of high concept movies with a man-child with razor thin plot. The formula is so predictable that it even includes Rob Schneider and John Turturro. The former is predictable, and the only reason Rob Schneider even has hundreds of millions of dollars earned in Hollywood is because he’s inexplicably included in every Adam Sandler opus. John Turturro, on the other hand, seems to opt out of the indie movie scene for movies that pay the bills. Not that I wouldn’t do that myself given the opportunity, but his skills seem more and more wasted with every Adam Sandler movie.

Looking forward to the rest of the month, M. Night Shyamalan’s next film A Bunch Of Stuff That Happens was shorted to simply The Happening. I guess the earlier title didn’t really differentiate itself from M. Night’s other films. The rated R trailer looks to really distance itself from the tasteful filmgoers and target the Rob Zombie crowd. Famous for his downbeat, unassuming ending instead of the blowy-uppy ending that many audiences crave, the play to mainstream, gore loving audiences might force him to change his formula.

This might be the first M. Night movie I’d be interested in seeing pre-home release, but I’m not sure I could handle two hours of pure, unadulterated gore. Dawn of the Dead was a little too much to handle, and that wasn’t made by a master of psychological suspense. I’m pretty sure I’ll have to wait until I can watch this movie with a pause button.

The new Incredible Hulk movie follows the pattern of getting a brilliant director to make a summer blockbuster, and acting shocked when it developed characters ahead of big noise and predictable plot. Following Brian DePalma’s excellent action thriller Mission: Impossible, the producers opted for a more simple approach to filmmaking with M:I2, giving us a schlocky movie even by John Woo’s standards. I was worried when I found out that they were planning to do this with the Hulk series back in 2004. After three years of no significant development, I was hopeful that the idea had died.

However, as evidenced by the smashed cars and burning busses on Yonge St. last year, the production proceeded and we get Edward Norton replacing Eric Bana, Liv Tyler replacing Jennifer Connelly (a casting decision I fully support), and about every other character that might have been present in the first film, replaced with a doppelganger. The producers have been so thorough in promoting the rebuilding of this series that the average moviegoer is even more convinced that Ang Lee’s entry was trash. I might see this in theatres, but my expectations will match those of Mission: Impossible 2.

I remember looking forward to seeing Get Smart with Don Adams after school every day. Other shows like Gilligan’s Island and the 1960’s Batman were the series I worked through start to finish, several times over between my adolescent years and late teens. I’m a fan of Steve Carell, but don’t count myself in his superfan legion. However, I have to agree with their casting. His comedic style is a worthy successor to Don Adams (may he rest in peace).

Hopefully, it won’t resort to over the top toilet humour in order to capture the Austin Powers crowd. One asset is Dwayne Johnson (aka. WWE’s “The Rock”). More than once he’s played a parody of himself, but usually only on Monday Night RAW. Finally, Alan Arkin as The Chief is another piece of excellent casting. Even if the reviews are below average, I believe this is a movie I have to see. There are other actresses I would have as Agent 99, but otherwise the movie can carry itself no matter how good or bad the plot turns out to be.

The final weekend in June features another formulaic, forgettable movie paired against a kids movie. Angelina Jolie in a… well, there’s not really much more to say since that’s all that people will be interested in seeing. Wanted also features Morgan Freeman playing a two-dimensional character for the fun of it, and a wealth of gunfire, fast cars and digital effects. Almost certainly a good movie to go see after a few pitchers with the guys.

This is probably the most “Summer Movie” so far this year… not a sequel, adaptation from another media or attempt to cash in on a tired formula. Take a couple A-list actors, toss in action, beautiful cinematography, thin plot that can be completely explored in the two minute trailer, and release. It wins as the most original, unoriginal movie so far this year. Kinda makes me want to see it.

…but not more than Wall-E. This is the movie I’ve been waiting for almost as much as Chris Sanders’ next opus. While Pixar has continued to crank out quality films, they’ve never managed to match the escapism of the first few. Ending after Finding Nemo, and starting with The Incredibles, the Pixar films were good but not great. The difference was the writer, Andrew Stanton.

Wall-E follows a strange little robot, inhabiting Earth 700 years in the future after Humans had left it behind as a garbage planet. Side note - there’s a good variation on this set up in the Red Dwarf novels. Just from the trailers and various promos starring Wall-E I know I’m in love with the character. Following the end of the Lilo & Stitch series last year I wondered how long it would be until I found a new character to idolize. Perhaps that was part of my enthusiasm in adopting him for the role, but I really think it’s just about how CUTE he is!

Not a very balanced preview, but there’s little to deter me from seeing this movie opening weekend and loving it. Following this, there’s not another kids-friendly movie being released until halfway through August. Wall-E won’t have the top opening gross for the summer, but I predict it will be in the top 3 summer overall gross.

That’s about it. For reference, AvP:R is a decent movie to watch in a dark room when you’re doing other stuff. Beyond that, very predictable but far better action sequences than the first AvP movie. I’d certainly prefer to watch it again than Mess With Zohan.

Update: It turns out that Wanted is very, very, very loosely based on a comic/graphic novel. I stand corrected. I still believe this currently rates as the most “Summer Movie” in the classical sense of the term.

Well, normally I would only be writing this about a week late since Memorial Day just passed a couple of days ago. However, as I stated in my Summer Movies Prologue the movie season seems to be starting early this year. In fact, I think this is the first time we’ve ever had the first major $100 million opening weekend blockbuster AND the first major bust before the first long weekend of the summer.

I still qualify this entry as a “Preview”, because I have yet to see the four big movies that have hit the theatres so far. I can’t decide if it’s because I’ve been too busy or I’m just too upset by crowds to go to opening weekends. Maybe I just need to warm up first.

The first fact to note as someone who lives south of Eglinton is that there are now two megaplex theatres in the downtown core. With Paramount ScotiaBank Theatre now sharing the dense 2008 blockbuster season with the AMC24, there are still multiple showings of Iron Man instead of restricting it to two or three theatres while newer movies like Speed Racer and Indiana Jones fill up multiple screens.

The downside is that you’re no longer sure that the Paramount ScotiaBank Theatre will have “this week’s big movie”. It’s a requirement now more than ever that you have to check show listings to find out whether your movie is playing at John and Richmond or Yonge and Dundas.

It’s a small sacrifice I’m willing to make in order to ensure multiple showings per hour of whatever film I want to see. In the last few years I’ve often needed to resort to smaller cinemas like Varsity or Rainbow Market Square, or travel up to Eglinton in order to get a showtime I wanted for a movie that’s been out more than 14 days.

Iron Man I have discussed before. I was more thrilled about it before everyone was thrilled about it. While I’m hardly anti-establishment, I found that my interest in the film reduced as the general publics increased. Now that the film is sitting in the shadow of Indiana Jones I find myself ready to go see it. Maybe it’s just my fear of seeing movies with large crowds of stupid people.

Speed Racer was a “bomb”. It seems that all the layers of depth in the first Matrix movie have slowly disappeared in favour of pushing the limits of moviemaking. Along the way to making Speed Racer, the Wachowski Brothers changed the face of filmmaking once and that’s all it takes for immortality. However, reaching that bar again when it’s been set so high can be difficult or even impossible.

Just like a latter-day George Lucas, they may never make a true crowd-pleaser again. All they can hope to do is continue making movies they want - which is what I believe they did with Speed Racer. That’s what Lucas did with the prequels, and that’s also certainly what Peter Jackson did. After making his immortal mark on cinema, Jackson was given a blank cheque to make whatever he wanted. He decided to remake his favourite film, “King Kong”. The Wachowski’s made Speed Racer because they really wanted to. And although I know how bad a movie it’s supposed to be, a part of me wants to see it for that very reason.

The new Narnia movie has come out. I enjoyed The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, but it suffered from the overuse of CG battle scenes prevalent in today’s epic films. Following the Lord of the Rings movies, every epic has liberal use of massive battles. It’s kind of sad to think that the last true all-extras battle scene made by Hollywood will probably be Timeline.

Prince Caspian is the first of a series of open-ended movies that have come out following LotR that has actually resulted in a sequel. Eragon and The Golden Compass are two movies that come to mind that were left so open-ended that I felt cheated having invested 90 to 120 minutes in a movie that was so bad, it doesn’t have a chance of continuing. Not that I was very emotionally invested in the characters, but I hope an Eragon sequel at least comes out as a Direct-to-DVD release just so I can see John Malkovich get his come-uppins.

Sadly, the first Narnia movie was a complete story in and of itself. If I was able to connect with the characters more then I might have a bigger urge to go see this one. As it is, I’ll wait for the DVD and probably watch it with my niece and nephews.

While I really should have been one of those geeks who took the day off to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (you know who you are), I chose to reserve my vacation days for my upcoming wedding. However, I have reservations with this movie too. While most people are concerned about the age of Harrison Ford and/or Indy, or the nearly two decades spanning since the last film, my biggest concern is Shia Leboef.

I’m not particularly impressed by him. I find it slightly ironic that the new “heroes” of the 21st century (looking twiggy, geeky and about five years too young to be in a grown-up’s role) keep showing up in these 80’s series revivals like Justin Long in Live Free or Die Hard. Bruce Willis has Samuel L. Jackson in the last movie, and now he gets paired up with “hi, I’m a Mac”. Harrison Ford shares the screen with someone even tougher than he is when Sean Connery plays his father, and now he gets the twerp from Transformers?

He might be a great actor but I have yet to see that come out. Either way he’s “The Shit(TM)” in Hollywood right now. Just remember, so was Andrew McCarthy.

The final big movie releasing in May 2008 is the completely unneccesary Sex In The City. I’m not a woman, and I’m not over 40. The only episode of the series I watched involved a shot with an 80 year old man’s buttocks in full view. I doubt he’ll be in the movie, but forty (and fifty) something, hot-and-horny women on a four story screen appeals to me about the same amount.

June’s looking good, but before I get there I really need to see at least two of the movies listed above. Stay tuned…