:: theMediaman journal ::

:: Friday, May 14, 2004 ::

On my way to work today, I got in a serious traffic jam. Turns out there was an accident on Bayview, taking up the whole right lane. The backed up traffic went from the bridge just North of John St. all the way to the 407.

Usually, I don't let myself get that worked up when I'm in a situation like that. I remember once when I heard someone talking about being late for a meeting because an accident stopped all traffic. What really stuck with me was when she said, "just my luck!" as though she got the worst part of the ordeal!

I wanted to critisize her, but I knew that would be hypocritical. I've done the same thing countless times. However, from then on I decided I wouldn't get worked up in a traffic jam. That's not to say I don't feel like I deserve the opportunity to 'rubber-neck' and catch a glimpse of the car-nage!

What really made this traffic jam special was the opportunity to snub a Hummer H2 (which, as I've found out recently, has WORSE milage than the H1 due to the use of a standard gasoline engine instead of the more fuel-efficient Turbo-Diesel). I was in the left (and clear) lane. Normally, what you're supposed to do is let one person in from the blocked lane, then one car goes, then one car from the blocked lane, then one car goes, etc., etc., etc.

Well, the H2 took advantage of the fact that many cars had slipped into the clear lane early, and blasted up the shorter right lane. When it came time for me to let one car in, I blessed my luck that it was the H2.

I didn't let him in.

He was forced to go behind me, but not for lack of trying. The moron kept moving over more and more even though the nose of my car was in front of his. The first car in the blocked lane's lineup was a cop car, so you know he didn't want to hit THAT. As for my car, the one safe bet is that if the driver is vain enough to buy a Hummer, then they're too vain to risk scratching their car. By the time he was scant millimeters off my left side, I leaned on the horn. That finally stopped him in his tracks.

Then the fun began.

I flipped him off while he was behind me. More than that, my middle finger did a little dance for him as I chanted "SOFA YOU!"*

*Note: I've changed The 'F' Word to "Sofa", because it gets used a lot in the rest of the story.

Now remember that there was a cop car right behind us... the moron dropped the hammer once we passed the disturbence and swung out around me. I moved my left hand to the passenger side and continued my dance and chant of "SOFA YOU! SOFA YOU! SOFA YOU!"

The next tactic for the moron was to put on the brakes in front of my car... sort of like the way that guy does at the beginning of Christmas Vacation, except much slower. Owning the H2 proves he has a small dick, and thinking twice about letting my car crash into his beast proved he has no balls.

So I gave him the double-deuce. Well, we pulled up to the next stoplight and he decided he wanted to let me have it. He pulled back into the right lane and let me pull up beside him. My dancing middle finger returned to the passenger seat and I continued my shouting of "SOFA YOU" out my open window. He started going with some complex insults including a thumb-across-the-neck, gonna kill you type of threat, but I kept inturrupting him with "SOFA YOU! SOFA YOU! SofaaAAA YOU!".

Sure, I know I'm clever enough to come up with something better, but the frustration on his face at getting "SOFA YOU" over and over again as he was trying to come up with proper insults was too beautiful to stop. He pulled off just as I expanded my vocabulary to include "Get your sofa'ing hunk of tomato* off my roads!" ('tomato' substitued for The 'S' Word).

So, if you see a brown Hummer H2 (same brown as tomato*) with the licence plate ASMD-459 then feel free to spit on it, run your keys on it, or pee on it... all with my blessing. Just don't tomato* on it, because you wouldn't be able to tell.

:: Stephen 12:42 PM [+] ::

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