theMediaman.com

Of Love and Ex’s

Well, nothing written in my Blog for a while… but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been composing my thoughts.

Staying off-line allowed me to be a bit more candid with my thoughts - myself being my only critic. This was needed since I had a rather unexpected reaction after finding out the Big News about Ruth getting engaged.

You always know how you think you will react - or how you want to react - when news like this comes forward about an ex. Whether you were the break-upper or break-uppee; if you recovered quickly or you pined for years - or worse - if you still hold a flame; you never can really predict what will happen inside of you when the news comes down the pipe.

Luckily, I was nearly at the end of my workday when I read about it. I was already trying to cope with the fact that the Tim Hortons near my workplace had just shut down to do renovations for three weeks, and I was only running on stockpiled caffene.

My eyes lost focus on everything around me, but I could still read the screen clearly. I think I almost fell out of my chair. My head wasn’t running a mile-a-minute, like I would have predicted. Conversely, it felt like my frontal lobe just shut down. For the rest of the workday, I sort of just spaced out (tho’ no one seemed to notice a difference in my work performance). After, I went home to sort out my feelings.

The most obvious question was ‘Why did I react like this?‘ It wasn’t a negative reaction, nor a positive one. It wasn’t relieving nor crushing. My thoughts couldn’t be organized, but they weren’t in a jumbled mess either. While I expected to be most confused about why I reacted this way when I know that I’m over Ruth, the biggest question was ‘Why did I react like this when I know that I’m in Love with Simone?‘

Now, as an aside, I am definitely happy for Ruth. I could talk about how great this is for her and how George is a good man but this is MY BLOG! It’s all about ME!! So I’m writing about ME!!!

Unsure of how to describe what I did when I got home and sorted this out, I won’t bother trying to write about it here. However, I did make a few conclusions.

After taking a rather *ahem* extended time to “get over” Ruth, I indeed was completely over Ruth. There was no lingering regret about the breakup, nor any flame held for her. The emotions that caused my mental CTRL-ALT-DEL were nothing so basic as happiness, sadness nor fury. The only way to describe it was as an absence.

The loss is not missed. I think that when I had my Big Revelation a few years back that allowed me to move on, that the loss I felt became buried in me. I moved on because I knew that Ruth and I were different people and it was never going to happen again…

…hmm… this is getting kind of personal for a publicly viewable blog. But I want you and anyone else who finds himself/herself reliving an old breakup to understand why this can come back at you even years after resolution.

By ignoring the details of why we broke up, I think the fact that it remained ‘unfinished business’ deep down inside of me. When I fell in Love with Simone, I knew that I was okay. I was am happy, and more in Love than I was with Ruth or even Rebecca (my first love). I thought that my lingering sorrow regarding the breakup was over with.

When I read that Ruth was engaged to be married - that was the last of the pain. Now I know that Ruth is happy, and that both halves of that relationship are taken care of.

It’s silly that deep down, I needed this for closure. I had been told that Ruth was happy, and I had met George. I knew that they were in Love - but when I only see her once a year or so, it is just not as real as it suddenly became last week.

I guess we’re all capable of reacting unexpectedly to a situation like hearing that your ex is getting married. What blew my mind was that I figured I would behave positively or negatively… I didn’t count on no significant reaction. My brain shut down, anticipating a bombshell of emotions. Only, it was more like a false alarm.

Weird.

When I went to see Simone later that night, I thought things would be different. I don’t know, maybe I’ll have more confidence, maybe I’ll look in to her eyes and see a reflection of recently-unbridled Love, something will be different…

…but it wasn’t. I loved Simone before, and I love her now. No more, no less.

Somehow, that was even more comforting.